February Selfie Project - week one

 This picture has stirred up all sorts of stuff in me.  

What started it.  The night before I spent $5 on a curling wand.  I wanted to try it out and LOVED the results.  So, and I don't do it often, but I sent this picture to my husband via text with a "Hey look at this hottie!" type text.

Then ... I shared it on Facebook - "Best Beach Waves EVER!"  I rarely share the "selfie" on Facebook - usually it is more than just me.  Sharing this on Facebook got TONS of warranted comments, "wow, you look great" and the such.  Which usually would make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable.  With this picture they didn't though.  I just smiled inside and said thanks!

Well, then there was this ... "Mommy, will you put a clip and a pony in my hair so my hair looks pretty for Daddy."  -- Oh .. deflated.  Did my precious more beautiful than life 4 year old just think she needed to do something to herself to look pretty for someone else?  So what does any self-reflecting, self-respecting woman do?  Post my thought on Facebook.  {That is usually a mistake - just so you know.}

My thought was again, self-reflective.  In one of the million questions about why I was doing my hair did I answer, "I like to make my hair pretty for Daddy." too many times.  Well, this lead to - tell her not to worry about it because she is always going to be pretty comments, to teach self-confidence not beauty comments, to that is what princess movies and Barbies do to our little girls comments.

I am going to keep the princess thoughts to myself for now -- that will be another conversation at another time.

Then I decided that I was going to start a selfie project.  Basically, because I want to work on my self-confidence and finding the beauty in me that God has put there.  Finding the real reasons why I do what I do beauty wise.  Do I truly believe that no matter what I am good enough and pretty enough because God created me.  Yes, I have not treated my body the best, but I can start working on that.  First things first.  I have to realize where I am at.

Sunday 2/2/2014 - 15 minutes to pull together hair and makeup - not to bad if I do say so myself.  It must be the angle, but it looks like only 1/2 my face is working.  Why this work?  We were going to church and a woman who wants people to think she has it all together would look "put together".   

Monday 2/3/3014 - Fun messy sock bun for 2nd day hair.  It was early and it was cold.  Husband's robe is WARM!  Realized the importance of quiet time and how it affects our day Monday.  Why this look?  I wanted my hair out of my face and didn't want to use my quiet time getting a shower.  No one was going to see me except my family.  I cared, but wanted to be able to spend more time with God - and I could always put my face on later.

Tuesday - 2/4/2014  Okay, straight on pictures are not great for me.  The right side of my face squishes up more.  Strange.  I have a love hate relationship with the late shift.  Love I have time to get dressed / ready without worrying about the kids ... Hate Hubs will be gone until 8:30pm.  Why look?  If I don't dry my hair it ends up all over the place or tied up in a "I really don't care about anything, messy knot on the top of my head."  I do want to look nice for my husband.  No make up though because my face/eyes were really itching.

Wednesday - 2/5/2014  My clothes today totally reflect my emotions today.  I look cloudy, I feel cloudy.  My hair didn't stay like this long.  Messy, I don't care about my appearance hair showed up within minutes after taking this.  Why the look?  I am feeling cloudy - tried to do something with the hair, but it's not wanting to do anything and keeps falling out of whatever I do. -- At 4:30 I decided I would try to fix my mood by fixing my outward appearance.  Sometimes it helps.

Wednesday - Take 2.  So I stopped and got myself together.  Thinking pulling myself together would change my mood.  It wasn't the getting ready that changed it.  It was the praying and turning to the Father that changed my mood.  During my, "I am going to look better on the outside" time I was praying.  Praying for the cloud to be lifted and to have a clearer mind for the rest of the day.

Thursday - Bible Study Day. We hadn't been in 2 weeks and I was looking forward to going.  I took the time to "pull myself together."  Why the look:  Because unkept is unacceptable.  It's less the what other people would think of me and more what would I think of myself going out of the house seriously unkept.

Friday - I am getting sick.  Messy, I don't really care what I look like day and hair.  

What did I learn of week 1 of the selfie project?

1.  I use the term "pulled together" often.  What does that even mean?
2.  I like pictures from a side angle more than front on.
3.  It is true.  I still like to look nice for my man.  I have been very careful to say things like, "well I like my hair better when I do it." or "I don't like my hair looking super messy when we are going places."  Over "I want to look pretty for Daddy."
4.  I feel better about myself when I take the time to take care of myself.

What will the next week of the February Selfie Project bring?

O is for Outlook

All About Me A to Z challenge has been a challenge.  Today's post ... outlook.

I really try to keep a positive outlook on life.  I try to keep in my mind that everything happens for a reason.  I might not know what that reason is, but there is some reason.  So I try to keep my outlook positive. 

Try has been the operative word lately.  Try, not do.  I have not been being able to keep a positive outlook.  That is probably why I have not been blogging much lately, I don't want to share all my junk and all I can focus on is the junk.

I have alluded to the struggles we are going through.  They are all financial in nature.  We had been doing really well with keeping it out of our marriage, until recently.  We have been so focused on the problem we didn't talk about anything else, we didn't do anything else, we didn't think about anything else.  It consumed us. 

We have not gotten out of the mess, but we have decided we are going to do everything we can on our end with our jobs to get out of the mess without letting it consume us.  We have also decided that no matter what God wants for our lives is what is going to happen.  We are going to stop fighting it. 

Sure it is Christmas and we could get a Christmas miracle.  We also know that maybe our current job is not where God wants us.  We have started to pray that God change our hearts and let us do what HE wants us to do.  So we'll keep you posted. 

N is for New

I am back with my next All About Me A to Z.  I am up to N.  

N is for New

New Chances, New Challenges, New Addition

I am sure that I don't have to tell any mom out there.  Life can get crazy.  Job changes send your world into tailspins.  Birthdays come out of no where.  Days start to blur into each other.  Then just when you hit that point you can't take anymore ... you are hit with something else. 

Thanks to the hand of God and people being here for us we have made it through the last few months.  We have had family come through when we needed it most.  We had friends give us an entire Thanksgiving meal.  I have had 2 friends give us money out of the blue.  I am thankful that these people listened to that still small voice.  We are so blessed.

On the Friday after Thanksgiving we were at the grocery store (yes I know, we are insane).  It wasn't that bad honestly.  We are grocery shopping and I get light-headed and my blood pressure just drops.  I said to Hubs, man I hadn't been feeling well lately (like 6 weeks).  I would get all anxious feeling and I had been super emotional.  Seriously with everything going on in our lives I thought I was starting to battle a bout of depression.  We have been going through this financial mess and job changes for over a year.  I figured I was just hitting the end of my rope. 

But I was starting to wonder something else ... Could I be pregnant?  I mean I could be ... I mean it's not like we are preventing anything.  But ... thanks to PCOS the missed cycle does not mean there's a baby brewing.  More often than not it just means the missed cycle. 

That day we decided to get 2 tests ... I took one right away.  Thought as I wait ... nuh uh, that is not the test line showing up that fast ... no freakin' way.  I took the 2nd one the following morning.  Another positive test.  Oh boy, now what are we going to do.

We are Outside Marketing Consultants, 100% commission - independent contractors.  The income is starting, but it's not there yet.  We can't afford private insurance, but the little we do make also means that we don't qualify for government insurance.  -- Dear God please don't let our situation steal the joy of this season in our lives - that was my prayer.

Thankfully we found a program through our hospital for uninsured pregnancies.  Great news!  We also found out that friends of our used it to have their daughter (it cost less than their deductible).  So that eased my worries.

I am being blessed beyond measure with this pregnancy when it comes to my health.  I have been so healthy that I even took a third test before I could get in for my first appointment at the clinic.   

Our situation is not ideal to be pregnant, but it is what it is and God equips us for what He gives us.  So I will lean into the potter's hands and let Him equip me for what lies ahead. 

M is for "The Man {All About Me A to Z}

When I say "The Man" I am referring to My Man - yep.  This guy.  I love him.  Again, I know this is an All About Me challenge {that I am super far behind on ...  I am going to get caught up and get it done by the end of the year. }

So if you recall when you read J --- ages ago, I know.  I told you I was going to talk about my marriage story.   And I am going to. 

So how did we get to where we are now.  Let's rewind the clocks to July 5th, 2001 {That's over 11 years ago}.

Who was I ... I was a college graduate working a "stellar" job, not really making ends meet, living at home with Mom and Dad.  I had recently given up on getting the "love of my life" to realize that he wanted to be with me and started going on a string of first dates.  Only one of those did I actually want to turn into a second date, but he didn't want to share me with my "best friend".  At the time my best friend was a guy.

Who was "the man" ... He was a college graduate who decided to return to school full time and pursue his Master's Degree.

The phone call that changed my world forever.

The details of the call are not necessarily required, but what kind of story would this be?

So it was was 4:55 that day in July.  I recall this because when the phone rang, I considered not answering it because I had to get out right at 5 that day.  But I answered it.  I started talking to this man.  I get his info and find out that he is in grad school at the school I was considering going to.  What better way to get information on a school than talk to someone who was currently attending.  After our conversation he says, "Hey, could we talk outside of the financial aid setting sometime?"  

I must have hesitated because the next thing I hear is, "How about I give you my email address and we can go from there?"  So I get his email address and I sent him an email when I got home.  We started talking that day.

7 days later I was making a road trip to Ohio to meet this guy who I have only talked to.  Looking back it was pretty crazy, but I did have my client's (in the same area) personal phone number if he turned out to be an ax murderer.  I didn't get nervous until I was crossing the state line.

So I met him and his whole family that first day.  He took me around to a few places, we went out for pizza.  Really, first date type stuff.  I do recall us going to a dance club that first date as well.  I took his hand and said, "Come on let's get drinks."  He replied, "That is naughty."  I didn't know what that meant at the time.  I found out later it really surprised him because it showed that I wanted people to know I was with him.

Fast forward to December 1, 2001.  I was moving to Cincinnati, Ohio.  Much to my parents dismay.   It was a crazy beginning that still effects the ways things are interpreted.  But I found my own place and a job.  I was on my way to making a life for myself in Ohio.

We dated for 2 1/2 years and I was needing to find a new place.  He hated where I was living (his car got broke into) and didn't think things were all that safe.  He wanted me out closer to where he lived.  I couldn't afford to do it on my own.  So we moved got a place together.  I thought it was great, we were moving forward - we were serious.

About 6 months into that lease we split up.  I moved back to Wisconsin and my world was over.  I lost it all.  I lost my boyfriend.  I lost my independence.  I left my jobs.  I lost my friends.  I lost it all.

Life goes on right.  We tried the whole lets stay friends thing.  I am glad we did because it kept us talking, but it hurt a lot.  Had we not tried the whole friend thing I don't think we would have gotten back together, but we did.  The best decision we ever made!

So 6 months later or so, I am moving back to Ohio.  I finally hear those words I had been wanting to hear for 3 1/2 years from the man I loved.  I would love to say that he proposed and we got married right away, but it didn't work that way.  We started dating again, starting building our future again.  In 2005 we got Hickman #5.

I was starting to put the pressure on when we hit 2007.  We had been dating for almost 6 years!  We split up, we got back together, all of our friends were married.  It was time.  Valentine's Day of 2007 we went out and I picked out my engagement ring.  It had to get sized and everything so he didn't propose that night.  I knew it would happen on my birthday, he told me that plenty of times.

We went out for dinner with his family to O'Charley's and nothing, a few cards and small gifts but no ring.  I wanted it but knew it wouldn't happen.  On our way home he says we have a stop to make.  We pull into a Mercedes Benz lot.  {a little back story - at the time I really wanted one of these cars and we looked at them often.  This was not weird to be pulling into this lot}

We are looking around and he finds the UGLIEST car on the lot.  He is asking me about the car.  Do I like it, do I not like it?  Would it be okay to start with?  I am starting to wonder if he somehow got my ring in this car because of how much he was fussing over this car.  So finally he says ...

"So you would not take this model." 

"No, I do not like this one."

I turn and look at him, "Would you take this one instead?"

There he is holding my ring.

"Yes! Of course!"

For most women they would have been so disappointed.  He didn't get down on one knee, he didn't say "Sara Elizabeth Warner, will you marry me?"  or any of that stuff we hear on the movies.  It was so much better!  It was us, it was our world at the time.  It was memorable and it is our story.  I love the story, I am not sure he does, but I do.

So we pick a date 6-7-08.  Then things started getting stressful and money was becoming an issue.  We were talked into doing our wedding differently than I ever imagined.  We were encouraged to do a small wedding now and do a big wedding later.  So we decided that is what we could afford and that is what we did.  Maybe I will share the wedding story another time, but it is still hard for me to talk about without being bitter and hateful.

We got married on 9/15/2007.  

Our marriage has had it's ups and downs like every marriage.  We have made it through the, "fine I quit" stage of our marriage.  We have gotten past comparing our marriage to the marriage of our friends.  We still have things we are working on but we are choosing that being together we can do anything better than being alone.  

This is "The Man" he is my man.  I would not change him for anyone in the world.  Not even Tim Tebow.

L is for Love

I picked Love for this installment of All About Me A to Z.

Love is who I am. My favorite shape is a heart.  I love the color pink.  I love fairly tails and romantic comedies.  I read love stories.  Love is who I am.

My views on love have changed over the years.  I used to be one of those who felt "Love" is such a strong word and it is thrown around so much!  It's true, love is a strong word.  It has to be.  If it wasn't Love wouldn't be the powerful force it is.  But love cannot be "thrown around too much".  Also, you can love differently.  Loving your husband is a different love than loving your children.  Loving your children is a different love than loving your siblings.  Loving your in-laws is different in a whole different way!

Then there are all those other things that we "love"

Indoor plumbing.  Does this need more explanation?

Neighbors who will dress up like Santa to get this wonderful picture when you daughter is only 3 days old!

I love my washer and dryer.  I hate going to the laundromat and love that I can wash clothes when I need to, not when I have an entire day to waste.

Yoga, I do love me some yoga.  But this is also exercise.  I feel so much better when I exercise.  Sure I have been away from it along time and getting back into the shape I want will take time, but ahh... love the feeling of a good sweat from a great workout. 

Does this really need to be explained?  Let's just say ... a birthday gift and Christmas present for $2.64.  I love sales and coupons. 

Oh Christmas baking how I love thee.  It is just not acceptable to put peppermint in chocolate anytime of the year.  This is more than just Christmas baking.  I love to bake in general. 

This might be the growing up in Wisconsin part of me, but I love the snow.  However, I conditionally love the snow.  When it is clean, not stepped in, freshly falling, and not hindering my getting from point a to point b.  I love the snow.  The snow earns some brownie points when it is falling while I am doing my Christmas shopping.  Again, this is conditional.  It must be the light, fluffy, fluttery type of snow. 

Yes, I love this.  This is what you call a "Pork Chop"

Oh the party planning.  I love party planning.  Working the theme into everything!  This was from Little Miss's first birthday.  Little Mister's was less elaborate, but still completely in theme! 

Products like this that make my busy life just a little easier. 

Although not a great picture, coffee - oh how I love you.  The warmth going straight down to my belly.  I don't love coffee sweats, but oh the love that I feel when I am drinking you.  Coffee also is the love of going out for coffee.  The togetherness of friends and time well spent.  -- and now I want a cup of coffee.

These are just a few of my loves.  Of course this does not include the love of my family or friends.  As a Christian the greatest commandment is to love.  Love, Love, Love.  Yep - the best L word to describe me.

K is for Kids

I know that this is the All About Me Challenge - but these two are such a part of me that I am not me without them.

First there is my favorite Little Miss.

All my pre-married life I had said that I wanted to wait about 2 years after getting married to have kids.  Now, I didn't know I would be dating the same guy for SO LONG before we got married, but anyway...

We had been "trying" - okay, not really preventing, but not having tons of relations either.  You have to be having a cycle to get pregnant.  It's kinda just required.  Well we find out that I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and we are going to need to some "help" getting pregnant.

That "help" consisted of a string of drugs and a bunch of uncomfortable tests.  The drugs turned my hormones into all sorts of crazy.  I was sick and moody and not ready to go through this.  So I asked a few friends to pray for us.  I was praying that I could just have a baby normally like all my other friends.  One of our friends would tell us they were expecting and I would put on a game face that I was happy for them.  The truth was I was hurting, I was jealous.  I wanted what seemed so easy for them.

We decided that we would stop treatment after one cycle and really try starting in June.  Better birthday options.  Well God had different plans.

For about a week I was just feeling off.  I would eat and I would get sick - I never puked, but I wanted to.  Then one morning I was eating breakfast and I just hurled.  Hubs asked what was wrong.  I told him I hadn't been feeling well and I was probably just getting sick.  He asked me if I was pregnant.  I said no, I can't be.  So I prayed - "Lord if I am not pregnant please just take these symptoms away.  I cannot take another test and be disappointed again.  I just can't do it."  It just got worse so I took the test.

I couldn't believe what I saw.  I wake Hubs and say .. "Does this say what I think it says?!?"  Shoving the stick right in his face while he was laying in bed.  Real classy I know.

So I make my appointment, get my first ultrasound - to make sure the baby is in the right places and get the official due date.  December 24, 2009.  What? I start to cry.  Everyone starts reassuring me that with your first you rarely come on your due date and it really is a 2 week before or after date.  None of which was making me feel any better.

Guess people thought that it was a whole Christmas birthday concern.  The fact of the matter is that I didn't want my baby to have to share a birthday with a family member.  December 24 is my brother's birthday.  The 23rd is our nephew's.  The 30th is my father-in-law.  I wanted my baby to have "their" own day.

Well she did.  I was sick for 9 months.  My blood pressure was starting to get really out of whack.  I was induced a week early.  She would not get in position and I had to have an emergency c-section. 

I can't believe that day was almost 3 years ago.  She is worth the being up for 24 hours and not eating for 48. Yeah, that was a long few days.

She has made my life more complete than I could ever imagine.

Then comes my favorite Little Man.

I vividly remember getting ready for my birthday talking with God.  "So, I haven't been feeling well, and I am late - which we all know is not something new for me.  If I'm not pregnant could you give me some sort of sign, like MIL giving me a gift that I really want without having been told."  That night I got something that I had been wanting that I didn't tell anyone.  I thought that was a sign from God.

Not even a week later we are eating breakfast.  We finish and I get that - OH MY I AM GOING TO BE SICK! feeling.  I know this feeling.  I am going to run to the store.  At the time our financial stuff was starting.  This might not be good news.

I take the test and it is obvious that it is positive.  Oh boy, now what.  I head downstairs and head over to Hubs.  This was our conversation.  "Hun are you okay?"  "Yeah, I guess."  "Babe, really are you okay?" "Yeah, I just have to tell you something and I am not sure if it will be good news or bad news."  "Okay, what is it?"  I hand him the test.  The look on his face was telling - this was good news.

I go to the doctor and get a much better due date, November 16.  My doctor suggested that we schedule a c-section because of Little Miss needing to be delivered that way.  It was scheduled for November 9th.

This pregnancy was different than Little Miss.  I was not as sick, but I was just off.  Everything got just a little wonky.  I was really off my game for everything.  Thank God Little Miss won't remember her 2nd birthday.  I ended up throwing it together in a couple days.

The most intersting part of this pregnancy was actually after he was born.  I had to share a room - again - while I was in the hospital.  This time my roommate was a 16 year old girl.  Her grandmother was there with her the whole time.  They were the rudest people.  Oh my goodness!  She got upitty that I was not wearing socks (which I couldn't because my feet were still swollen).  She sat there and watched judge TV all day, nice and loud.  It was horrible to say the least.  So when Little Mister would wake up at 3, I wouldn't be too worried that he was waking her up.

Thank God I healed enough to go home so, so quickly!  My roomie was scheduled to go home (because of the natural birth) Friday.  My doctor walked in and said, "Do you want to go home?" I looked at her and said, "You're kidding."  "Nope, you are moving around fine.  You have (done all the bodily stuff).  You can go home."  Hubs wasn't there at the time, he at home getting Little Miss and Auntie to come up for a visit.  I asked him to come by himself because we were getting discharged.

I was so excited to be going home.  Oh and when I left she still had not been discharged (it was almost 4pm). 

I thought my life was complete before.  I had "everything" I wanted (the stuff that really matters).  Then this little guy enters our world.  He makes brings a smile to my face daily.  Yes we have had our struggles, but I am his Mama and I wouldn't change that for the world. 

J is for Journey

I am learning that life is more about the journey than the destination.  So, I am going to talk about my journey.

Earlier this year I disclosed that I am 34.  I am not ashamed of that.  I am 34, it is what it is.  Sure, I am not where I expected to be at this point in my life, but who's life goes exactly as planned.  If life went exactly as planned. 

So this was the plan from early on.  I was going to be a teacher (decided that at 4) and I was going to be a Mommy.  I was going to marry a doctor and I was going to drive a Porche - not sure how I was going to fit the kids in the car, but that was the plan.

It comes time to pick a college.  I go to visit UW Green Bay and I hear all the horror stories of how hard it is to get a job in education in Wisconsin (at the time I was not leaving go ole Wisconsin), how competitive the school of education was, and the failure rate.  That was enough to change my plan right then and there. 

My journey took a major shift.

I was working at a nursing home at the time and thought that becoming a physical therapist seemed like a great option.  So I visited the school that was a great option for physical therapy.  I fell in love and had a new path.  That was until I didn't get accepted.

Oh boy, now what was I going to do.  So I talked to my best friend.  She was taking a year off and then going to UW Stevens Point, so I should apply there.  I thought it would be fun to go to school with Jody again seeing that a move in highschool separated us by way more than just a few miles.  Our journeys started taking different paths way back then.

Well, I got accepted.  Now what on earth was I going to go to school for.  I wasn't going to be a teacher that was going to be just too hard (biggest mistake of my young life).  I really liked my psychology class so I decided to major in that - brilliant way to make decision.  I completely advise against it.

Fast forward 3 years, I am living an un-saved life of a college student in the middle of Wisconsin where the biggest thing to do is get drunk.  My motto at the time was "I am going to party as hard as I study and I plan on partying hard."  I had priorities!  Thursday nights I would study until 8:30 then get ready to go to the bars.  Fridays I would handle classes - late enough to wear off the effects of Thursday night.  Saturdays sometimes we went out sometimes we didn't.  Everytime we went out we closed the places down!

I went to work hung over many Saturday/Sunday mornings and had to work on the loudest machine (the folder machine).  I remember saying to my supervisor, "I know why you are putting me on this machine, it won't stop me from coming in hung over next weekend." 

But you would think I learned my lesson about making decisions because I enjoyed something, but I didn't.  At this point I was HATING my psychology major and had no clue what I was going to do with it.  I was getting no direction anywhere, so I decided to change majors (2nd semester my junior year).  What do I do ... make a decision to add a major because I liked a class I was taking.  Yep .. I really liked my organizational comm class so I added a communication major - emphasis in PR and advertising.  I am SO smart ... I knew I was going to become this corporate girl living downtown running from here to there in my stillettos with coffee in one hand, a cell phone in the other and my life was going to be perfect!  I would hang out at coffee shops and life would be just like it is in the movies.

And that is just how my life turned out ... I can't even type that with a straight face!

It was obvious that God had way bigger plans for me, even though I didn't even really know Him at the time.

I end up going home - and cleaning up my act some.  I would go out once in a while, but I had to be an adult now.  I was a COLLEGE GRADUATE!  I was big stuff.  I moved back in with my parents and I had it made!  I couldn't find a job, I had no money, and I had bills to pay.  It was awesome!  {please note I am being far from serious with my enthusiasm}

Well, I found a job that was okay.  The pay was decent.  I had some responsibility and a large cube.  It worked.  Until I got a phone call one day.

My journey was about to head south. Literally.

That phone call happened on July 5th, 2001 at 4:55pm.  Why do I know the date and time of that phone call - because I had to get out at 5pm to get my brother and sister down to a concert that started at 7.  (Blink 182 if anyone is wondering - yes I am the best big sister in the world).  That phone call kept me over a few minutes, but it was totally worth it.  That phone call was the first time I ever spoke to the love of my life.  Yep, it was my now husband calling.

My story is going to end here for now ... I will finish it when I get to M!  Yes, you must wait until M.  I will tell you now, M is going to be Marriage.  I will tell you our story that week.  So, you have to come back! 

I ....

Wow, this is a hard one.  There are several that I could use .. intelligent, intriguing, issues (yeah we all have em!), even independent ... but none of those are really me.

So what other word to use for the I week than ... I.

I like the color pink and purple.
I think that a little glitter is a good thing - but there is a such thing as too much of a good thing.
I am a Christian and will not apologize for it.  Ever.
I will continue to seek to know my God on a more intimate level everyday.
I am blessed even when I can only see the storm.
I am a woman, daughter, mother, cousin, neice, sister, wife and friend.
I fail sometimes.
I fail more than I would ever like to admit.
I let pity, self-judgement, and general bad moods take over sometimes.
I need to pick myself up and dust myself up more often than I wish I had to.
I am creative.
I like to plan and my plan does not always work.
I am finding out that I don't like major transitions in my life, but I am leaning on God and He will get us through.

I am me and sometimes I forget who that is.  I am married to a man that lets me be me and that is all I could ask for. 

G is for Girly

Okay, I am so super behind on this blogging challenge I started.  So I am going to catch up some.  I could give a whole bunch of excuses, but the truth is I have just been letting things and life get away from me.

So I am going to get caught up.  Starting with All About Me Challenge A to Z.

G = Girly

What does it mean when someone says "girly" to you?  To me it means ... I love fashion - although I never wear trends.  I love being stylish - although right now my style is Mama Chic.  (Oh I like that and I might make it a thing!)  I love heels, boots, wedges and pretty much any shoe that is not athletic.  My current love is actually flats.  I guess that is because of my whole Mama Chic thing going on.

Being 'girly' is much more than just the surface.  I love romance and being in love.  Hearts are my favorite shape and Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday (even more than Christmas - I know, hard to believe).  Yes, pink is my favorite color - pink and brown is my favorite combination.

Not only do I love romance, I love being romanced.  I love going on dates and I love being a wife.

Being 'girly' has become such a negative thing in our society.  I get a little flustered when other moms tell me that they will not allow their girls to love pink, glitter or princesses.  I want to ask why, but their answers make me sad.  Why not let your girls be girls?  What's wrong with loving pink and glitter?  What's wrong with loving princesses?  You don't like what society has turned 'princess' into?  Then teach your girl what a real princess is.  A real princess is humble, strong, caring and a warrior - all while doing it with class.

I don't want to be 'one of the guys' because I am not a guy.  I am a girl (even now that I am grown.  I am still a girl.)  I like being a girl.  We have cuter shoes!  Oh and we get to carry handbags!

I will be honest, I am looking forward to picking out Little Miss's first Barbie.  I am excited to play with her.  I will let her embrace the fact that she is a girl.

Also, I am a very lucky girl that I have a guy who likes it that I want to be a girl and will let our daughter embrace being a girl. 

H = Help

I know that I am behind on a lot of things.  One of them is my All About Me posts with Love Kate... G and H!  This week I is due!  I will get caught up.

So, I am taking my letter H and using the word HELP - the hardest thing for me to ever ask for.  It shows weakness, and I don't want people to think that I can't handle it all.  But here is the truth.  I can't.  I need help sometimes.

Here is our story and my request for Help.

Things have been super rough over here at The Hickman Five.  I see our goal of owning a home just slipping away before we can even get started on it.

What has been happening - December of last year Keith changed jobs - something that we thought was going to be a better situation than where he was (his department was closing, but there was no exact time frame).  The job was not what it was promised at all.  Especially the part where you need to sell $30,000 in medication before you even start qualifying for commission.  Well, he moved onto a different position - it was even worse.  Here you were given a draw every month and when you sold something you had to repay the draw first.  You kept falling in the whole faster than you were making sales.  In the 30 days he was there 3 of the 4 people on the team quit, without notice.  Now he is at a place that is better, but the slow season is ending and the way things are structured we are falling more and more behind.

We are praying he sells over $5000 by the end of the week so he at least gets some sort of commission in September.  Otherwise we won't see any sort of commission until OCTOBER! and his salary is just not enough.  We are behind and falling even more so.  We have to come up with $2000 to get all caught up on our bills.  We are in danger of losing our home and our car.  We have 3 days.

I am so excited to share with you how God comes through this time.  He came through in March.  He came through in July.  He will come through again.  He has to it says so in HIS WORD.  God is our provider.  He has to provide for us, since it says He is our provider in His Word and God cannot lie.  He cannot go back on that.

We have not been the best stewards of what God has given us.  I accept that, but God will not take everything from us - even though He could.  It's all His, he could take it all back, but God is not a cruel God.  God is a loving God.

Our trust in the Lord is being tested.  Sometimes we waiver, but we do trust that God will provide.   God will bless the work of our hands.

F {All About Me}

There are several words that I could use for F.  Like ... 

Forgetful! - seeing that I was supposed to write and post this on SUNDAY! It's now Tuesday.

Faith - I am a Christian, I think that is pretty obvious from the blog and there are some things going on right now, but I am not exactly ready to share.

Fantastic - Yes, because I am just that awesome.

Fearful - I have lots of them, but I am not going to live in them.

Favorite/Fan - I could have listed all my favorites or things I am a fan of.  

So the word I choose ... 

Soup Can Utensil Holder -
Football Crafts
from Touch of Home Learning

FOOTBALL. 

Did you notice that the first preseason game on was on Thursday - sure, it's not "real" football - because sure the games don't really count, but it is football.  It was the Green Bay Packer game even!  

I had been a football fan my entire life.  We watched every Sunday.  I didn't even know of this whole crazy NFL blackout rule.  I was from Wisconsin - there is never a game that would not be sold out! To get tickets you need to know somebody who knows somebody type thing.  It is kinda crazy.

When my husband and I met it was nearing the end of Brett Favre's reign as quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.  I had told him for years, when Brett Favre retires I will stop being a Packer fan and be a Bengals fan.  

Yeah, that lasted all of one season.  

Especially when I now live in a town {city} where the team rarely sells out the stadium it's hard to be a fan of the hometown team when you can only watch them on TV when they are out of town! (or go 80 miles away and hope the game will be on their TV - that's the radius for the blackout rule.)  

So if someone asked me who is your favorite football team, yes I would say I am a Bengal Fan, but I am also a Packer Fan.  I like to see the Packers do well.  I like to watch them when they are on TV.  When the Packers play the Bengals I live in a divided house.  I cheer for both.  It's really a win-win for me.  

Bad Call Ball -
Football Crafts from Touch of Home Learning

I am not one of those fans who live and die by their team.  If the team I am cheering for loses, I am usually the one saying - they lost because they deserved to lose did you see this or that.  I am not the fan who is like, ugh where's their call for this or that - so and so did not deserve to win.  

I have been know to say, my blood is green this time of the year.  I start to feel the itch for football around June.  I LOVE IT!  This year I have has a few things to be able to distract me from my itch, like the Summer Olympics and the fact our baseball team is in a pendent race.  

But last night Monday Night football was on and everything was right in the world.  

Noise Maker -
 Football Crafts
from Touch of Home Learning

I am one of those fans who look at the schedule of our lives on Sunday - okay, the kids get up at 7 regardless of the day of the week.  Why don't we just go to church at 9, get our errands done and home by naptime, then we won't miss any kick offs?  Yes, I change our church going schedule to fit in football.  Bonus of going to a large church.  

I am one of those fans that serves my family appetizers as a meal because they are football foods.  Come on! that is just fun.  I am one of those fans that watches Monday Night Countdown for the "Come on Man!" segment.  I am one of those fans that says, okay this game is on this channel and the Bengals game is on that channel.  That is how we flip during commercials.  I am one of those fans who looks at our budget and contemplates the cost of Direct TV to get the NFL network.  

So I end this post with this question for you ... 

Are you ready for some football?!?!?

Join the Challenge over at Love Kate

All About Me: E = exhausted

I have decided to take a blog challenge over at Love Kate.  The challenge is to share about things about yourself for each letter of the alphabet.  One a week.

A= Authentic

B= Beautiful

C= Christmas

D= Dogs, Daughter, Dedicated, Diet, DONE

E= This week ... 

Exhausted - yes, that explains me in one word.  I am so exhausted that I am starting to forget to do things ... like posting this on Sunday.  Why am I so exhausted ...

because I am his mommy.  Actually I feel bad writing this today especially since he slept through last night.  I have not had a full night's sleep in well over a year.  Starting about month 5 of my pregnancy I would wake up nightly and be up for a hour or two around 3 am.  Well, 14 months later I am still waking up at 3 am.  I was spoiled with Little Miss.  She slept through the night at 4 months.

I am so exhausted that I feel like I am going through the motions.

However, we are getting better.

All About Me: D

Like most weeks so far I am racking my brain trying to think of the best D word to describe me.  It's just not coming to me.  

D is for ... 

Dogs - I love dogs.  I like little dogs, I like big dogs and all of them between.  I have met dogs that I don't like (A boxer named Baron comes to mind - he has knocked over my child at least 3 times at the dog park and his owners are obnoxious, "Oh he's just trying to play with you"  Umm, no he is hurting my kid.)  I hate it when dogs slime me  (Chance buddy I love you, but keep that slime to yourself!  I know you can't control it - my MIL's Golden Retreiver.)

We have a dog.  He is Hickman Number 5.  This is Kirby Alowishous Hickman.  Yes he has a full name.  He will be 7 in December.  Has a horrible case of separation anxiety and the only thing I would change about him is that he whines A LOT! 

The furry members of our family are just important as the not furry ones.  They are (in age order) Rocky, Kirby, Bagel, Chance, Tia, Julian Casabeagle {JCB}, and Pippa. 

Rocky {my parents/brother's dog} and Kirby

Daughter - I am one of two daughters in my {side of the} family.  I am the first one.  I am one of two daughter-in-laws in my {husband's side of the} family.  I am the second one.  I have a daughter, she is my first one.  

I am the daughter of a King - that makes me a princess, I will get into that during P week.  Watch out that will be a good one.  Promise!

Dedicated - This word keeps coming to mind while I thought about this post.  I am not really sure why.  I am very dedicated to the people I choose to have relationships with.  This would be include my family, my husband, my friends, and my children.  I would do anything I can for any of them.  

Desserts - I think you should eat dessert every day.  Could be why I am not getting that far on my weight loss!  LOL

Diet - I think that is the most evil, stress inducing word quite possibly ever.  I hate them, and never stick to them.  I have given up using them.  I am now just trying to eat healthier and in moderation.  

I will give you one more for this post.  

DONE - yep, I am done with this post.  :)  HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

You can still link up for the blog challenge over at Love Kate.  You can also go see what everyone else is posting about.  

All About Me: C .. Christmas Crazy!

Thinking about a recent conversation with hubby has helped the words come together.  So I thank him for his silly antics.  

I love Christmas.  

I love Christmas so much that I am Christmas Crazy.  My pinterest board for Christmas is #2 for most pins of all my boards (only to be beaten by Tiny Tot Inspiration, which is my preschool board idea board).  

I listen to Christmas music all year long.  I love to decorate my house for Christmas.  {Maybe I need to just start decorating it for all sorts of holidays and then maybe I could tone this down a smidge. -- nah!}  I love to make heartfelt gifts for Christmas - and I will explain why in a minute.  I love to bake, I love to entertain, I love celebrating my Savior!  I love Santa {and still believe all because of something my mom said to a very sad 5 year old}.  

I love it all!

I have tired to explain it, and people don't seem to get it.  So, here is why I love Christmas.  

There is something different about this time of the year.  This does not even come from being raised in a house where Christmas was a great time of the year.  Christmas brought a lot of stress.  My dad still hates it because of the materialism and greed.  Yes, all of that stuff exists, I am not blind to it.  But there is something different. 

People are warmer.  People think more of the less fortunate.  People think about how they can serve someone else.  People think about how they can be a blessing.  People share the story of Jesus when they might not other times of the year.  People are nicer to each other.  Families want to create memories - because it is about the memories, not the materials.  

Memories - every year we would drive around in the car and look at all the beautiful twinkling lights!  Thank you to each and everyone of you who decorate the outside of your home! 

Memories - "Mommy, is it true Santa isn't real?"  {my 9 year old cousin had just found out and told me. I was 5.} "Do you want to believe in Santa?" *shaking my head yes* "Well, then believe.  Because Santa only visits kids who believe."  SO I still believe!  I believe that there is something magical about this time of the year and that has to be Santa.

Memories: My baby girl's first picture with Santa.  {Our neighbor donned the suit he hated twice!  Bless him.}

Notice the things we remember ...  It's the people, not the stuff.  

Just thinking about Christmas makes me feel warm inside.  I do my best to keep that spirit all year long.  Isn't that really what being a Christian is all about anyway.  Serving others and being a blessing.  Then sharing our testimony and inviting others to come with us for the ride?  

Now head over to Love Kate and check out everyone else's C! 

All About Me: B____

So I had been again thinking about this post all week.  What was the word this week?  I know what I am writing about next week.  It is just to perfect for that letter.  C ... but that does not mean that I have something for this week.

I thought I could post my blog story.  Why I started, why things changed, where I want things to go, but I am not feeling it.  Sorry, maybe because it is not much of a story.  I started to have an outlet and have let things evolve on their own.

Then yesterday, I went to a talk about fear.  I saw some amazing things.  I felt some amazing things.  My husband and I sat down and had a great talk about it all.  ... but still no B word that struck me as a post.

Until ... 8pm Speed Crop.

That is my word.

That is a hard word for me to say.  Beautiful.  Especially if I were to say, "I am beautiful."  (way easier to type by the way)

But, I am beautiful.  I have beautiful big brown eyes, beautiful wavy brown hair, I am a beautifully short 5'5", I am beautiful at the size I am and will only be more beautiful as I shrink.

I have to be beautiful, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was made in the image of God and I am loved.  I am beautiful in my brokenness.  - oh that could have been a good one too.  But beautiful is better.

Besides if I were not beautiful how could I make these beauties?

Want to join the challenge? Love Kate All About Me: A to Z

All About Me: A to Z

Once upon a time (earlier this week) while out Blog cruising, Facebook meandering, Pin scoping I came across Love Kate.  She is posing a challenge.  A to Z, 26 weeks - write about yourself once a week, inspiration ... a letter of the alphabet.

I thought about it, told Kelly over at Exceptionalistic about it.  She came back and said, "Let's do it."  So I gave in to the blog-peer-pressure ;) and decided to take the challenge.

This week's letter A.

I have been thinking about what am I going to write about myself starting with the letter A.  I had a few ideas and I posed the concept to hubs ... This is how part of that conversation went.  (It was Saturday and we were on lap 3 of 12 at the gym.)  I had already told him about the challenge.

"So what would be a good word that starts with A to use as a kick off word?

Ant-eater.  

What? Ant-eater? Why? Are you saying I eat bugs? I have long nose? What?  

Here is his answer ... 

laughter.  nothing but laughter.  

Some help he was.  Because I wanted this to be about me I was super intentional to not go to Kelly's site and she what she wrote.  I wanted this to be ... 

authentic

I was really struggling with this.  God is working with me on some stuff right now.  Some big stuff.  Stuff that I want to share.  I could have written about accountability (my first idea) - or I could have written about apprehension - this morning during worship I thought that I could write about adoration.  

None of those are really what I wanted to say for the first week of 'all about me' challenge.  But I will tell you why I was struggling with all of these words.  God is working on me to be my authentic self.  

My authentic self is one that I think I have kept hidden for so many years I don't even know what she looks like.  

My authentic self is one that will not need to be asked if I am a Christian because when you see me, you see Jesus.  

My authentic self is one that will accepts my flaws and accepts the fact that I don't have it all together.  

My authentic self is no longer hiding.  

It is never my intention to offend anyone with what I say or how I live my life.  But I am no longer apologizing for it.  I am a Christian.  Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  I believe that God speaks to us through people now just like He did when Jesus walked this earth.  Yes, I have had strong holds on my mind and thinking that have been placed there by the enemy (Satan).  

I know by taking a stand I am saying - You over there, yep I am standing up for what I believe and I know you are going to take some swings at me.  You might even knock me down, but God is on my side, and you will never win.  

But it is time

 ... 

My name is Sara.  I am a Christian.  I believe in the Living God and I approve this message.  

Truth or Dare?

Happy Birthday to ME!

Let's be honest, if I had my way the day would come and go, we would have cake and go on with our lives. My family claims this sort of birthday celebration is not acceptable.  Especially since we let no one else get away with such non-sense.  Since everyone had plans this past Saturday I am celebrating my birthday this up coming Saturday.  Even though I have plans that day I now am squeezing a birthday celebration in on top of it.  If I get everything mostly done on Friday I will be able to enjoy my  conference on Saturday without stress.  Besides hubs can take care of things too.

I am turning 34 ... 34!  At this point in my life I have made a few decisions and discovered a few truths about myself.  So do I dare to share 34 truths about myself with you, my fabulous readers?  I dare!

These are not necessarily in any order.

1. I am a child of God
2. I am a good Mother
3. I am a good Wife.
4. I still have a teddy bear that I was given when I was 3.  His name is Burnout Bear.
5. I am a business owner.
6. Gallbladder attacks are worse than labor.
7. Recent Truth:  I am SUPER SENSITIVE to eggs.  
8. I like living in my newsless bubble.  If it is important I am sure I will find out somehow.
9. If I could I would be a HUGE fashionista.
10. I love shoes and handbags
11. I love accessories.
12. I didn't see the ocean or a mountain until after 30.
13. Sunrise over the ocean in the top 5 most beautiful things I have ever seen.  Top two are Kaitlyn Alexis and Alexander Michael.
14. I love to entertain.
15. I believe a party is in the minute details.
16. I love my friends.
17. I have moved more times than I can remember.
18. God had big plans for me.
19. If my house is a mess I cannot productively work.
20. I enjoy pencils.
21. A clean house does not include a clean living room (I have a 2 year old, this is where she plays.)
22. Coffee is better in lattes and mochas.
23. I have always wanted to be a fashion designer - just lack the talent.
24. I am a girly girl.
25. I am married to a sports fan and don' care that ESPN is on my TV a lot.
26. I have a hard time sitting through a movie at home.
27. I like to read/work/play online while watching football.  Even though I always end up missing the big play.
28. I love to get lost in a good book.
29. Perfectionism is not my friend.
30. I love to decorate.
31. I love to craft
32. I miss Friends and watch it daily.
33. My next hairstyle is "Rachel season 1" cut and color.
34. The only reason I want to be famous is to wear the gorgeous award gowns. 

There you go, 34 things you may or may not have known about me.  Feel free to comment!