Clear as Mud

I have been asked by Kelly over at Exceptionalistic to join Into the Word Wednesday a time or two.  I have read her posts and I think about it.  Then a whole bunch of enemy self-talk {you know the stuff I am talking about - the you don't know this, or the you are not good enough thats} starts playing on the tape recorder in my head.

Kelly mentioned how we went to a talk on Fear from Restoring Lives International.  And I am not going to tell you her story, you have to go read it.  {But I will link it to make it easy for you.}  I am super happy that she got exactly what she needed.  Well, then there is me.

I have been so muddled ever since I left!  And I thought I was doing pretty good until I went in!  My brain is so full and heavy, nothing was clearing it out.  It was a horrible week when it comes to basically everything.  I felt so unfocused and just heavy.  Mentally I had that anvil that Wile E Coyote is always trying to drop on the road runner on my mind, no it was on my soul.  Nothing I did would lift it.

I talked to Keith a few times.  I walked, and walked, and walked {at the gym}.  I praised God.  I worshiped God - while walking.  You should have seen me.  There I am walking the track hands up in the air surrendering to my Savior.  Praying that He would fill me anew.

A few weeks earlier I had attended a different prayer group and felt so different.  I could just not figure out what was going on.

Until Sunday.  At the end of our pastor's teaching he asked us to close our eyes and visualize what we have a death grip on and to close our hands around it.  It wasn't hard for me.  I had been thinking about it for probably 4 weeks now.  As our pastor and we sang part of a song we were supposed to open our hands and let that go to Jesus.

So I sat there ... really wondering what Keith was thinking about .. was he going to do it ... what is he going to think of me, because I know he is sitting there with his eyes open.  {We are at two very different points in our walks, and that is okay.}  Then I gave in.  I focused on what we were supposed to be doing.  I knew it would somehow free me.  I sat there my fists clenched so tight, literally as much as I have been holding on to this thing.  This FEAR.  My eyes were closed so tight and I am hearing.

We lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus
And we cry holy, holy, holy is the lamb

We are told to let go {open our hands} when we sing it again.

I am sitting there hands open and with every word they open further and further.  Then I see this white light coming from the top right.  {my eyes are squeezed tight shut} It's bright.  It's what you expect the light of heaven to be - brighter than sunlight - It's strong, but it's flashing each time I sing holy it's shining bright.  HOLY!  God is here with me.  Holy! God will take this.  Holy!  God loves me enough to carry me through this.  Holy!  It's God's burden now.  Holy! Holy! Holy! Then I realize, this might be one of those I need to walk about because it needs to stay gone and cannot be passed on.

We are done and I don't want to open my eyes.  But I do.  We leave to get the kids and Keith asks me what it was.  I couldn't speak without tears flooding my eyes.  I told him.  But now I have something tangible.  I have another weapon.  When the enemy is using this against me, let's be honest he is going to try, I can make a fist around it.  And speak a promise like, "God loves me and we are walking this out together.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  I have already won."  Open my hand and let it go up to Him.

What I realized is this ... I needed the bits and pieces of the last 4 weeks to come together the way they did or Sunday would have made no sense, and wouldn't have worked to free my soul.