|This picture has nothing to do with|
this post, except it makes me smile
unlike this post.
Like most people I started my blog (over 7 years ago) as a place to just write and share my views with my little corner of the world. Well then I became a business owner and my blog changed. It was going to be the online presence of my brand. Then I became a mommy and my life changed again. So did my blog.
Now, The Hickman Five, is a place I want women to come and be uplifted and encouraged. It is still the online presence of my business and it is still a major part of my brand.
Seeing that this is a place where I want to uplift and encourage women - this post almost didn't happen. Along with being a place to uplift and encourage women I want women to know they are not alone with what is happening to them. That is why this post is happening.
It is tough being a woman - I learned that recently. I did a whole bible study on that very concept. Sometimes as women we hurt each other instead of what our words are intended to do - encourage and uplift, not tear down and defeat.
Part of the reason this post might not see the light of day is because I am not sure I am ready to share this part of my story, or be this transparent.
I am writing this on New Year's Eve. Around 4pm I put on Facebook (after reading several posts about how awesome 2012 has been) ...
I am sure we are not the only ones ... I am pretty happy that this year has come to an end. Only 8 more hours to go. Sure the start of 2013 looks like it will be an uphill battle, but it can't end much worse than this one.First comment:
I deleted it immediately after I read it, but it basically said - Hope you can look forward to 2013. Keep in mind you have 2 wonderful kids that might bring a smile to your face.
I got really upset reading this and deleted it. I thought that was it, but then it just wouldn't leave me. That is why I started typing this.
A little backstory for why 2012 has bit the big one.
1. 4 job changes - none of which have been enough to keep our home.
2. Because money has been so tight my kids got 1 new gift each at Christmas and the rest were either made or purchased at a thrift store (and not a good one).
3. Christmas Eve I miscarried our 3rd child.
It would not surprise anyone that we are ready for 2013. Yes, things won't change immediately with the stroke of midnight - no matter how much I wish it were that simple. There is enough in our immediate future that things really can start changing this week.
Why did the sentiment of count the blessings you have upset me so? The message is a good one.
Could it be that ...
- Physically I am going through some pretty rough recovery - worse than either c-section - and at the end of all of this I don't get to hold my baby?
- While I was celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior on a date with my husband we had to leave early and rush to an ER - not just to deliver donuts?
- I feel like I completely ruined Christmas for my children? They had to go to bed without Mommy. They had to wake up with Papaw at their house, not Mommy and Daddy.
- Santa didn't come while my children were sleeping on the first year our oldest is really excited about Santa?
- All of our Christmas Traditions were skipped - no new jammies (that I made and a post will be coming), no Christmas DVD right after supper, no reading of our last countdown to Santa book before bed?
- 7 days after Christmas we are having to move out of our home and not exactly sure where we are going and what we can do with all of our stuff?
- I am tired of having to be so strong to help get us all through this?
- my biggest fear is that not only have I lost a baby and my home - this move will effect my marriage in such a terrible way that I lose that too?
- I am questioning where God is right now? All while I am amazed at how strong God really thinks I am. (edit before posting - I know God is with me, I just don't understand why all this is going on and I have to be okay with that.)
- this is not the life that my children deserve?
- things are way more complicated than you know?
Just because you know someone doesn't mean you have all the facts, especially if you are using Facebook to gather your facts.
This year has been hard. Way harder than anyone really knows. Way harder than I could ever describe. I would like to know how anyone would handle - having 2 kids and your source of income basically shutting down for 30 days. Now throw this in; in the last 7 days of the year lose a baby and your home - and not be exactly sure where you are going. Sure, my faith is strong, but I am looking forward to the new year.
I am sorry if my "this year sucked and thank God it is over" view offends you because you had "The Best Year EVER!"
Okay, my rant is over.
So how can I use this to uplift and encourage you - I am not sure, yet. Stick around I am sure it will be filled with ups and downs. I am sure I will be sharing them all with you!