I have been asking that question A LOT lately.
Where art thou ... God?
Where art thou ... the me I used to be?
Where art thou ... the mommy I want to be?
Where art thou ... the happy man I married?
Where art thou ... sanity?
Where art thou ... calm?
Where art thou ... patience?
Where art thou ... Where art thou ... WHERE ART THOU!
I entered a dark spot in my journey. I was keeping it all inside and although I thought I hit rock bottom in December, there was this little cliff that I didn't know was there. I fell off that in March.
If you need some back-story because you are new this post would be the best for you. And if you are a new reader thanks for stopping by!
I am finding my way back though. And I am going to share with you what has been going on, because maybe some of you are going through some tough times too.
The first 'Where art thou' question I have been asking, and asking the most is truly, Where art thou God. It hasn't been a just asking, it has been a pleading... God where are you! I thought you were supposed to be here with me all the time... where are you in all of this???
Well, God has given me some revelation.
Yes, this is where I am going to say He has been here all along. I am not going to stop there though. I am going to tell you how He has been here all along.
Hubs and I have finally been able to take a class at our church called Alpha. I have been wanting to take it for awhile, and I never said anything to him because "I just knew he wouldn't want to do it." Then I found out a little more about the class and I just asked him one night, have you ever thought about taking the Alpha class. To my surprise he said yes, he just didn't know that much about it. So we found out some stuff about it and signed up. God was there - He was keeping my mouth shut about taking this class until Hubs was ready to take it too. God was there through my friend who was a table leader at the last session and told me about the class. God was there again through this same friend who said I could NOT join (out of love) her bible study because we had to take Alpha together.
The first week not much happened, it was really just the icebreaker week. The second week we started talking about Jesus. We were asked who Jesus was to us. Well, it all turned about me some how ... I told my story from a slightly distant view. I told them how Hubs lost his job 18 months ago and life has been such an up and down ever since. How God would come through on the little stuff, but never on the big stuff. How we basically lost everything. How I was mad at God and I was hurt that God let all this stuff happened to us.
I was told ... everything happens for a reason.
I was told ... God puts people in our lives to do His work through us.
I was told ... I needed to tell God what I was feeling.
I was told ... I can't do it all on my own.
I was still mad. I was still hurt. I was still crying. But God was there. He was telling those people to say these things to me so that I would turn to people in my life.
During that week I had talked to a pastor friend of mine and he gave me some guidance. God was there leading him in prayer for me and guiding his words to me. Telling me the right places to go in the bible, the right stories to look up. The things I needed to hear.
Then I had it out with God and I wrote him a letter (that has always been my most expressive form of communication.)
The next day was the Mom's Group Tuesday. I was stoked, I was going to get me some prayer. I told Melissa the same nutshell version of what was going on. I told her what happened the week before at Alpha. God was with her too. She told me about this scripture where it says that God can't hear our prayers if we are offended by someone - even if that someone is God. We need to ask for forgiveness on that and it will open those lines of communication again.
When I got home that afternoon I said to Hubs, "Hey I want to talk about you about what happened at Mom's group." So I told him what happened and what Melissa prayed over us. I asked him what he thought.
We had the best conversation about his beliefs at the core. A conversation I am not sure we ever had. And if we have had it I didn't hear it. My ears were not open to other view points. I thought my way of understand was the only way to understand it. God was there. He was giving me ears to hear and listen to what my husband was saying. He was opening my heart to understanding the line my husband has always used that I just brushed off.
God is bringing us through this season. I have been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I read that God has given us hard times so that people can see His grace and love during those hard times. So that is where God has been through all of this. He has been here. When I don't think He is here with us, I just have to look to see if He is working in someone else.